The Darkness (2016) Review: zzzZZZzzz

The Darkness is a horror film released on May 13, 2016.

Honestly I couldn’t decide if it was actually a horror film about an upper middle class American family or if it was a movie about an upper class American film that just happened to have so-called demons appearing from time to time.

I had gone into the film without knowing ANYTHING about it, and was pleasantly surprised to see Kevin Bacon playing the father, as I am quite the fan (and had recently watched tremors). Throughout the film I had desperately tried to cling to fond memories of Bacon in other films, but just couldn’t do it. This film took a lot out of me and not because it was intense or tumblr_inline_obxewvyovh1s4eof8_540emotionally draining, but because it was just so boring I could barely stand it. I am a firm believer that one needs to watch/read/listen to the entirety of whatever it is that they are going to publicly review so as to give it a fair chance, but this really tested my will.

Most of it didn’t make any sense, either. I understand setting the scene and explaining the family dynamic that will later play into whatever is plaguing them, but this family had too many cliched problems smashed together that were unnecessary, and not even properly solved. One thing that I liked at first was the fact that Autism was being represented in the youngest child. I had never seen that before in a film, let alone a horror film. In the beginning I thought it was interesting and new and I really felt it promised a good film–but I was so wrong. It turned into the regular idea that children are more susceptible to the supernatural, with a twist! Wowee! Color me unimpressed. It wasn’t new or a representational, it was just this film trying to say “Hey! Look! I’m different than the rest!”

Continuing, I’m so TIRED of demons being the enemy in horror films. Demons aren’t even what most people think of them as, and seeing them constantly in horror films gets so BORING after a while. It’s become some sort of stock monster and it’s not even accurate. At least in the end they tried to fight whatever was attacking them with culturally similar people, compared to when the family first fled their house the wife search for a bible. A BIBLE. TO FIGHT SUPPOSED NATIVE AMERICAN “DEMONS”. Not only does that make NO SENSE but it got on my nerves that Bacon and his wife made fun of the fact that bibles are put into hotels anymore because it’s seen as culturally insensitive to represent only one religion. Did they not realize they were FIGHTING NON-CHRISTIAN “DEMONS”.

EVEN THEN it makes so sense for demons, something that doesn’t even correlate with the idea that they were worshipped by the natives in the Grand Canyon because then they would make them gods, or deities, AND demons themselves aren’t even PLAUSIBLE. Demons are supernatural entities created BY EARLY MAN to explain mental illness, general illness, and small unfortunate happenings. Whatever they faced in this film were not demons.
In conclusion, The Darkness was boring, poorly done, confusing, a money grab for Kevin Bacon, and a waste of time.

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Hostel (2005) Review

“Hostel” is a horror film made in 2005 and directed by Eli Roth. It follows the story of three young tourists backpacking around Europe. During their travels they hear about and decide to stay at a youth Hostel in Slovakia.

This mind numbing attempt at a sort of slasher film had me rooting for the main characters to die before the film was even halfway over.

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Whether it was intentional or not, I was still thoroughly annoyed and disgusted by the the three main characters more than I was by the gore.

Granted, the special effects used were great, and the air of distrust of one’s surroundings was correctly portrayed. I feel that if the director allowed for the main characters to be less of the disgusting pigs that they were, then it would have made for a more interesting and intense film. A viewer doesn’t necessarily have to feel completely connected to a character, but even feelings a little sympathy instead of rooting for the “bad guys” to finish the job would have been more preferable.

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Because I mean, what are the odds that the tourists who are captured by the people running the organization are gross examples of American tourists, let alone gross human beings in general? It just seems highly unlikely to me. The prospect becoming attached to at least relatively relatable characters who you know are going to die horrendous, gruesome deaths that you have to fast-forward is exciting.

While I do tend to be a fan of mindless, violent films from time to time, I wasn’t a fan of this film. It had no substance and between the honeypot technique and the gross personalities shared by the tourist trio I was just waiting for it to end.

Ouija [Bored] (2014) Review

In the aftermath of the unexpected death of her best friend, a high school senior named Laine tries to say her goodbyes with the help of her friends, and an antique Ouija board. In attempting to contact the friend, Debbie, they happen upon another spirit that resides within the home, who calls itself DZ. After contacting this angry spirit and one other, the friends realize that not only was Debbie murdered, but also they will face the same fate if they fail to understand the history they have uncovered, and successfully close the doorway to the other side.

For its time, this movie was interesting. I wasn’t excited, but I was intrigued. Being superstitious, the prospect of watching a film centered around something I had been constantly warned not to use and in turned warned others of was nifty. It seemed like a promising concept that would at least offer around two hours of entertainment and a jump-scare here and there. Unfortunately, I was to be greatly disappointed.

Ouija, is the most boring, hackneyed, and mundane film I had seen in a very long time. I even re-watched it this past night to make sure that it wasn’t my teenage cynicism clouding my judgment. Yet lo and behold, it was just as poorly made as I remembered it if not worse. It follows the same exact track that countless movies have before it, and what could have been an interesting story surrounding the ghosts ended up being brushed under the rug for the sake of some scares.

You may think, “Hey, it had to have had some interesting points! What about that plot twist?”

Oh I’ll tell you about that plot twist. It was the same thing I’d seen in the American version of One Missed Call. The film itself followed such a similar equation/routine (like in Unborn, Sorority Row, My Soul to Take, Legion, Grave Encounters, etc.) as movies before it had that it’s obvious it was a poor attempt at a money grab along with allowing some D list actors’ their 15 minutes of fame.

The film was so predictable that the jump-scares felt like lullabies; the acting reminded me of fifth grade; and the ending was reminiscent of a simple mans’ attempt to be witty. The whole thing fell flat on its rear end while trying to be cool and instead of getting back up and walking it off, cried and pulled grass out of the ground to try to distract from the embarrassment that was Ouija.

The scariest part of this film was that I thought there might be a sequel.

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